Character 1: Avery – intelligent, whimsical, angry with men, tall, slender
Character 2: Nico – overly-friendly, impoverished, just out of jail, handsome, late twenties
Angrily, Avery kicks her busted tire. She does not know where she is, or really where she is going, and she is loath to ask the infuriatingly good-looking guy walking towards her for any help. Intelligent though she may be, it was never in her cards to learn how to change a tire, a fact that irks her to no end at the moment.
“Hi, I’m Nico,” chirps the handsome Italian as he sends his hand toward hers in a common gesture that sets her off.
“Don’t touch me,” she returns as vehemently as his was cheery.
“Sorry. I always forget to wait for a lady to put her hand out first. Stupid, stupid, stupid.” Nico thunks himself in the head, bringing her grudging attention to the dark loose curls that speak to how natural his good looks are.
He doesn’t even have to work for it, she thinks. I’ll bet he’s even handsome first thing in the morning…Cutting this extemporizing short, she denies the apology welling up in her throat and turns back towards her car.
“I saw you here and thought you may need help,” Nico continues, not easily distracted from his friendliness, even when met with such venom.
“I don’t need any man’s help,” Avery snaps, forgetting her impulse to apologize as soon as the assumption of her feminine inabilities left his mouth. “I can figure this out on my own.”
“Okay then!” Nico walks, or skips, (she isn’t sure which) back over to the lunch table from which he’d come.
Okay. How hard can this be? I do possess some mental faculty in my feeble female brain… Avery’s thoughts boiling, she risks a glance his way. Nico is watching her, a laugh barely hidden in his face. Her fury rises and she stomps his way.
“If it’s so easy, why don’t you just show me and I’ll sit here with what I can only assume is a hilarious sandwich considering that smirk on your face!”
“Whoa, lady. Maybe I deserve that, but you need to relax.”
“You’re right. I just don’t like men who assume women are helpless.”
“Aren’t you, I mean, right now at least? If you like, I can just walk you through it. Or do you not like compromise either?”
“Okay, I deserved that. I’m Avery, by the way.”
“Lovely to meet you, Avery.”
“Uh, thanks. Let’s just get this over with.”
…
“Thanks again for your help. Where are we anyway? I haven’t seen anything for miles except this little sandwich shop and a prison.”
“I guess you picked a fine place to bust a tire. Tell you what. Since we’re on better terms, would you mind giving me a ride? I’ve been walking a while and it’s a long way to anywhere but this sandwich shop.”
“Walking? Where from?”
“Oh, here and there. I’d rather not reveal all my secrets to some stranger.” His eyes twinkle.
“Well, where are you going?”
“Nowhere in particular. Just away.”
“A planner, huh? Yeah, me too. Why not?”
…
“So, where were you walking from? Was there a village I didn’t notice?”
“No.”
“What’s with the secrecy?”
“let’s just say I’m not quite ready to spill the beans.”
“What kind of beans would those be?”
“The kind they serve in jail.”
“Dammit I should’ve known!”
“Chill out, okay? Just keep driving. I don’t want to have to make any threats, but I’ll do what I have to.”
“Wh…what were you in jail for?”
“Murder. Some chick with a flat.”
“WHAT!!!”
“C’mon, that’s just a little humor. Anyway, it isn’t important why I was there. What matters is that I’m out. And they’ll never find me.”
“You escaped???”
“If I hadn’t, I’d be an old man before I got out. I’d never again shake the hand of a pretty lady. The way things are going these days, though, I still may not. ‘Don’t touch me’” he mimics.
“God, I knew better. I knew better! What the hell is wrong with me?”
Keep him talking. The more he says the more I can tell the police later…if he lets me go…
“So, uh, how long were you in there?”
“Too long. All my life.”
“What do you mean?”
“Before I was in there, I had myself jailed in my head. I didn’t hear me, ya know? I never let myself in.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t really understand…”
“I just…god, how can I explain it? It’s like there’s a few of me, ya know? All in my head. All talking. I used to not listen, but now I do. They told me to how to get out. They told me to dig and dig and dig until I saw the light. So that’s what I did. Then I came to get a sandwich, and that guy behind the counter said I had to have money. How can I have any money? I asked him. I’m starving. So they told me what to do, and I hd to do it. It’s the first sandwich I’ve made myself in a long time.
I love this beginning and really hope you go back and finish it. I am already invested in the delightful characters, Shanna!
nice and really funny too!
maybe give the angry girl some more reparte to balance out Nico, she seems a little flatter at this point to me with him being so dynamic
I like this piece and think it has potential. Like John, I think your beginning grabs our attention and invests us in the characters. As you work on revising this and developing these characters, I would like to know more about why the girl is so angry because that clearly comes across, and without that explanation, her anger seems very misguided at the beginning. That might help round her out a bit more to better balance Nico.